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Perfectionism can seem innocent enough, on the surface.  "I just want to do a good job," we tell ourselves -- and what's wrong with that?  Well, if you're here, it's because perfectionism is in fact holding you back, keeping you paralyzed, standing in the way of what you know you have to contribute.  And even if you're able to get things done despite it, it may be quietly corroding your sense of confidence and freedom, without you really noticing.  

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To get free of perfectionism, we need to first ask what's driving it -- what's underneath it.  Anne Lamott has a worthy theory:

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"I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” (Bird by Bird, p. 28)

 

Another hidden driver of perfectionism to consider is an underlying belief that you’re not lovable intrinsically, you have to earn it by doing everything perfectly.  If this rings true for you, you can drill down further by investigating where you got this belief:

  • Did you get this message from your upbringing?  If you can identify and make explicit the belief you obtained in childhood, it might not disappear immediately, but you’ll be less abjectly terrified at the thought of messing up the task at hand if you realize that the abject terror comes from a kid desperate to please, and that you're no longer in that situation.  That you're much stronger than that now.

  • Is this more of a general, perhaps even existential belief for you?  That's very common too.  Please visit this page to be reminded of the truth.  And please show yourself some mercy. 

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The fear of failure may be rooted in some of the issues above -- a lack of self-love, of self-acceptance, and/or using perfectionism as a ruse to ward off whatever else we're afraid of -- but what about the fear of success?  This can be more complicated.  Take a moment to journal about what it would look like, in detail, if you totally went for it in the area where perfectionism's holding you back, and met with mind-blowing success.  Watch for any feelings of nervousness, embarrassment, or hesitation.  Are you worried people would judge you?  That your loved ones would feel bad, or love you less out of envy?  If fear of success might be a factor for you, it's worth investigating the reasons for it and tackling them head-on.  

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Finally, if perfectionism is holding you back from progress on a creative project, remember that it’s almost impossible to operate in creative mode and editing mode at the same time.  So do these separately.  Brainstorm, draft, and otherwise go nuts making a gloriously messy version, and then come back later with your editing hat on.

tools

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[These will all be links with explanations once they're developed.]

readings

Perhaps the classic anti-perfectionism writer is Anne Lamott.  She coined the term "shitty first draft"and argued for its necessity in her book on writing, Bird by Bird: 

 

“Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist’s true friend. What people somehow (inadvertently, I’m sure) forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here—and, by extension, what we’re supposed to be writing.” (p. 32)

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All of Lamott's nonfiction is a raw but poetic, earnest but funny, testament to her embrace of imperfection in her own life.  You can get a sense of her style on this page

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More recently, Brené Brown has become famous for her writing on vulnerability, courage, and resilience, in books like Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and The Gifts of Imperfection.  She offers a free download of one of

her 1-page manifestos, "Manifesto of the Brave & Brokenhearted," here, and it summarizes nicely what her core principles are.

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Finally, there are some handy quick tips on why and how to lower perfectionistic standards on Eric Barker's blog, Barking Up the Wrong Tree.  Here, this master summarizer distills the key points from When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism, by Martin M. Antony and Richard P. Swinson.

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Cathy Heller, 

Don't Keep Your Day Job

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podcast homepage

Ruth Soukup, 

Do It Scared

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podcast homepage

podcasts

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songs

We gave you lots of options for where to listen to these songs so that you can pick your favorite platform (for example, you might have a membership with one).  If you don't have memberships,  SoundCloud might be your best bet.

Title
Artist
Read
Listen
Notes
I Don't Wanna Know
This is a brave song about throwing caution to the wind: "I'm not scared and I'm not lonely, Saving all my money or my breath / I'm not looking for an answer, Or asking anyone to second guess"
Dissect the Bird

no lyrics online yet

This is a totally charming song narrating the singer's own insecurities ("I'm trying to stay focused, and stay in the moment, but all I can think about is if my fly is open") and then explaining why "it's a miracle that you're here at all"

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see also

craving approval, performance anxiety

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