field notes

Approval: the most coveted prize we don’t need.  With our family and friends, at work or school, in religious communities or with our neighbors, we’re all driven to seek approval. 

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Maybe you’re going into a new situation (meeting your partner’s family, or starting a new job) and you’re aware of how much you want the approval of the people you’re about to meet.  Maybe you feel like you don’t fully have the approval of a certain person or group in your life, and that weighs on you.  Maybe you do have it, but you’re so attached to keeping it, it’s stressing you out.   

Back in prehistoric times, we depended on our clan for survival, to the point that social rejection could mean death.  Though that hasn’t been literally true for a long time, we still carry around the stamp of that ancient terror, and crave the approval of our peers as though our lives depended on it.

Which they absolutely don’t.

There are some great readings on this in the section below, but some of the key ways out of this place are:

1. Notice that while you’re focusing on craving approval from others, you’re suspending the love and acceptance you have for yourself. 

2. If you’re feeling worried about a lack of approval from others, ask yourself what your worst-case scenario is, and how you would interpret that scenario.  For example, say you’re worried that your supervisor would reject your pitch, and then you would feel like you’re not smart.  Focusing instead on those bottom-line fears, like “I’m not smart” or “I’m not lovable,” and taking care of those, can liberate you from feeling as attached to how a specific situation plays out.

3. In order to be able to move peacefully through an environment where you’re surrounded by people whose approval you’ve been craving, there’s one sneaky, powerful trick you can use: unconditional love.  Be intentional in silently sending generous unconditional love to yourself as well as these other people.  (You can try lovingkindness meditation for help with this.)  If you wish them well no matter how they respond to you, you take back their power over you.  Approval-seeking is, of course, a weak position, while love is the strongest of them all.  

If practicing lovingkindness toward the people in question is too tall an order, then focus on a loved one who makes you feel absolutely safe, and carry the energy of that love with you.