top of page

navigating through

craving.png
approval.png

field notes

Approval: the most coveted prize we don’t need.  With our family and friends, at work or school, in religious communities or with our neighbors, we’re all driven to seek approval. 

Maybe you’re going into a new situation (meeting your partner’s family, or starting a new job) and you’re aware of how much you want the approval of the people you’re about to meet.  Maybe you feel like you don’t fully have the approval of a certain person or group in your life, and that weighs on you.  Maybe you do have it, but you’re so attached to keeping it, it’s stressing you out.   

 

Back in prehistoric times, we depended on our clan for survival, to the point that social rejection could mean death.  Though that hasn’t been literally true for a long time, we still carry around the stamp of that ancient terror, and crave the approval of our peers as though our lives depended on it.

 

Which they absolutely don’t.

 

There are some great readings on this in the section below, but some of the key ways out of this place are:

  1. Notice that while you’re focusing on craving approval from others, you’re suspending the love and acceptance you have for yourself. 

  2. If you’re feeling worried about a lack of approval from others, ask yourself what your worst-case scenario is, and how you would interpret that scenario.  For example, say you’re worried that your supervisor would reject your pitch, and then you would feel like you’re not smart.  Focusing instead on those bottom-line fears, like “I’m not smart” or “I’m not lovable,” and taking care of those, can liberate you from feeling as attached to how a specific situation plays out.

  3. In order to be able to move peacefully through an environment where you’re surrounded by people whose approval you’ve been craving, there’s one sneaky, powerful trick you can use: unconditional love.  Be intentional in silently sending generous unconditional love to yourself as well as these other people.  (You can try lovingkindness meditation for help with this.)  If you wish them well no matter how they respond to you, you take back their power over you.  Approval-seeking is, of course, a weak position, while love is the strongest of them all.  

 

If practicing lovingkindness toward the people in question is too tall an order, then focus on a loved one who makes you feel absolutely safe, and carry the energy of that love with you.

tools

[These will all be links with explanations once they're developed.]

readings

Byron Katie’s book I Need Your Love -- Is That True? has a great deal of radical thinking about the drive to seek approval and how to redirect it.  In it, she says:

 

“Anxiously focusing on the other person, checking for approval or disapproval, leaves nobody at home in yourself, nobody noticing your thoughts or taking responsibility for your feelings. This cuts you off from the source of real contentment. The outward focus also leaves unnoticed and unquestioned the inevitably painful thought that if you have to transform yourself to find love and approval, there must be something wrong with the way you are.” (pp. 39-40, Kindle Edition)

On her website, Katie offers a sample dialogue that she had with a woman who feared her mother’s disapproval, from her book Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Dialogues with Byron Katie.

Martha Beck has a thoughtful and comprehensive guide to shaking your addiction to approval and getting grounded in yourself in this article.

 

Finally, if you like hand-drawn cartoons combined with incisive, big-picture insights, you’ll want to check out the inimitable blog Wait But Why, by Tim Urban.  He’s got a megapost that illustrates the nature of our constant quest for approval, and how we can turn it around, called “Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think.

songs

We gave you lots of options for where to listen to these songs so that you can pick your favorite platform (for example, you might have a membership with one).  If you don't have memberships,  SoundCloud might be your best bet.

Title
Artist
Read
Listen
Notes
In or Out
This is about not fitting into just one box: "I just want more than one membership to more than one club"
Heart of a Hero
This is an inspiring song about courage and strength: "Can’t worry if I’ll be liked / Those games are old / I’ve had enough"

This riddle, my personal experiencing, I put, about my most melancholy self. I can tell what tribulations I have endured recently or of old since I grew up, and never more than now. I have suffered perpetually the misery of my exile’s paths.

When on account of my woeful plight I went wandering, a friendless exile, to find a following,

This riddle, my personal experiencing, I put, about my most melancholy self. I can tell what tribulations I have endured recently or of old since I grew up, and never more than now. I have suffered perpetually the misery of my exile’s paths.

When on account of my woeful plight I went wandering, a friendless exile, to find a following,

since I grew up, and never more than now. I have suffered perpetually the misery of my exile’s paths.

When on account of my woeful plight I went wandering, a friendless exile, to find a following,

When on account of my woeful plight I went wandering, a friendless exile, to find a following,

since I grew up, and never more than now. I have suffered perpetually the misery of my exile’s paths.

When on account of my woeful plight I went wandering, a friendless exile, to find a following,

This was helpful.

Hey, that's great to hear!  If you feel like sharing, we'd be all ears.

Tell us more

This wasn't helpful.

Tell us more

We're sorry to hear it!

I'd add something else here.

Tell us more

Awesome!

We'd love to hear

your suggestions.

Tell us what you would add.
X

Are there other resources, or insights of your own, that you'd like to share?

We'd love to hear them!  :)

            Please include your name and email if you'd like to be credited.

Thank you so much!  We appreciate your taking the time to share this with us.  :)

Tell us more about what you need.
X

What are you going through that this page didn't really address? 

What would be more helpful to you?

Thank you so much!  We appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. :)

Tell us more about your experience.
X

We'd love to hear whatever you'd like to share.  :)

Thank you so much!  We appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. :)

bottom of page